the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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