Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
