omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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