I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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