oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
