I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
