No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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