Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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