Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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