Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
