i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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