the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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