I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We are all done wearing pants today
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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