I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
