You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i think i have herpe
just one?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
is that a dick in a sweater?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
