There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
