If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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