im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
