new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
