put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
