I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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