her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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