1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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