OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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