I puked a lego.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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