I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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