After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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