i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
