is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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