I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
it glows. i had to have it.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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