What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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