I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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