He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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