dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I see more hoeing in ur future
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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