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• (906): View more from Michigan

  I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.

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• (408): View more from California

  She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon

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• (805): View more from California

  How much is that going to cost?

  (1-805): View more from California

  A lot of beer.

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?

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• (951): View more from California

  Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.

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• (309): View more from Illinois

  Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.

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• (316): View more from Kansas

  You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.

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• (601): View more from Mississippi

  Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.

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• (415): View more from California

  The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.

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• (810): View more from Michigan

  is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid

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• (307): View more from Wyoming

  Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?

  (1-307): View more from Wyoming

  No, I just was using your word in plural form

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you

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