Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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