A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I came so hard my ears popped.
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