She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
