I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
