There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
