Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
