3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
