Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
