I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
