It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
