I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
