you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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