i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
