Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
