I hate your face
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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