Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
