I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
