i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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