omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
