My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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