Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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